NMFA Children and Deployment Article Series

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Children and Deployment

What Does My Daddy Do? Military Parents in the Work Place 

By Holly Selders for LIFELines 

From a kid's point of view, the job of a parent in the military may be a little fuzzy. Explaining to your children what you do, especially during deployments or underway periods, helps their understanding and shortens the distance between you.

Parents with potentially dangerous occupations have the burden of easing fears when describing to their kids what they do for a living. Despite the fact that the majority of the military is not imminently in harm's way, added sensitivity is the plan of the day. Varying age groups and individual circumstances dictate a variety of responses. The National Association of School Psychologists gives this advice to parents: Filter known facts one by one and do NOT prepare children (especially military children) for the worst. Basic information about your job or rate should be sufficient. Reading a bedtime story from your rate training manual takes it a little overboard.

According to Kids & Careers, children believe that mermaids are as real as car crashes and that dangers can be common. It is not until approximately age 10 or 11 that children begin to understand which events are real. Fear for their parents being in danger can be managed by explaining that Daddy or Mommy is highly trained and practices routinely for the emergency situations children might be seeing on television.

According to Liz Hengerer from the Norfolk Fleet and Family Support Center, children also hear from their friends what supposedly goes on during deployments and at work, and they can often be a source of misinformation. If your child comes home reporting, "The other kids say Dad's gonna get 13 tattoos, fall overboard, and get eaten by a shark," parents must correct the information. Explain that other kids don't know what is going to happen and Dad is not going to get eaten by a shark.

Keeping Babies In the Loop
Infants and toddlers have an undeveloped sense of time and limited visual memory. Showing pictures of Daddy, in uniform and in civvies, keeps Daddy's image at hand and refreshes young memories. Bring Daddy into conversations by saying, "Let's sing The Barney song. It's Daddy favorite!" or "Let's mail Daddy's care package." If, for example, Daddy's a pilot, say, "Look, a plane like Daddy flies." If Daddy's on a ship, show pictures or submerge toy submarines to imitate Daddy. One enterprising wife of a West Coast Sailor created a photo album organized by what her husband would be doing each hour of the day. For example, 11:00 showed Daddy eating lunch, 15:00 (that's 3 p.m. for civilians) showed Daddy sitting at his desk, etc.

Explaining Your Job to Young Children
If possible, bring school age children into the workspace. If you can't get permission, show your kids a similar place or a picture of yourself at work. Tell children simple stories about what happened at work or explain what you did that day, just like you expect them to tell you about their day. Long distance dads can send frequent e-mails, ask specific questions when calling by phone, or mail surprises via snail mail.

Talking With Teenagers
Honest, clear, and specific information works best with pre-adolescents and teenagers. This age group knows everything anyway and is highly capable of filtering information. They still need reassurance, a sense of safety, and a parent who's there when they're ready to talk. Frequent e-mails, video conferencing, and instant messaging can be your best connection, away or at home.

For more suggestions, try Fathering Teenagers which includes tips such as "Open Your Belly." (You'll have to read that one for yourself.) Teens will let you know how much they want to experience. Don't be surprised or offended to find a conscientious objector to your occupation in the household. That's part of what all teens go through in discovering their own identities.

Go Where Your Kids Are, Take Them Where You Are
Children of all ages can track a working military parents progress on globes or with pictures or calendars. Participate in Bring Your Parent to School Day, no matter how embarrassing your child claims this is. Participate in the widely popular Bring Your Daughter to Work Day.  First-hand experience is a valuable tool for understanding a military parent's role in the everyday work place.

Maintaining personal contact during deployment

http://www.ptsdsupport.net/contact_during_deploymnet.html

Staying in Touch When a Family Member Has Been Deployed

Content Provided by Military OneSource Bookmark This Page! OneSourse provides a great deal of information needed for family and spouses during deployment

Overview
Ideas and advice for staying in touch with a family member who has been deployed.

• Communicating through the mail and the Internet
• Ways children can communicate with a deployed family member

When a family member has been deployed, communication can become difficult. But the military has worked hard to set up communication channels such as e-mail and mail systems to make sure that service members and their families can stay in touch. The efforts you make to communicate with each other during a deployment can help both of you cope with the separation.

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Communicating through the mail and the Internet
If you'll be communicating with your family member through the mail, be sure you have the correct address so that letters and packages will get there quickly. Learn about any guidelines for military mail, such as how and where to pick up mail, what you can and cannot send, and how long it may take for a letter or package to reach your family member. The same advice holds for e-mail, too: Be sure you have the exact address, and find out about any rules for sending messages or attachments.

Try to write to your family member as often as you can, but don't be disappointed or worried if you don't always get quick responses. There may be times when your family member is in places where mail cannot go or he or she may be too busy to respond right away.

Here are some things you should think about when you're writing to a family member:

• Be honest. You don't have to hide things or pretend that you're feeling fine when you're not. Your family member may be able to tell that there's something you're not saying and worry.

• Let your family member know how much you appreciate his or her response. Tell him how much it means for you and other members of your family when you get a letter or e-mail.

• Answer any questions he or she asked in an earlier message. If you ignore questions, your family member may spend time wondering and worrying why you didn't respond.

• Try to express yourself clearly. Remember that you won't be there in person to explain what you mean when your family member reads your letter, so try not to leave any doubt about exactly what you're saying.

• Keep some addressed and stamped envelopes on hand, ready to mail. This may make it easier to write a quick note. You can also pass out addressed and stamped envelopes or postcards to friends and family members to encourage them to write.

• Don't try to read between the lines of letters or notes that you receive. Try not to make assumptions or judgments based on just a single sentence or the overall tone of a letter. If you have a question or don't understand something, ask your questions in your next letter or phone call rather than wasting time wondering and worrying.

• Consider numbering letters that you send and receive so that you and your family member can easily keep them in order.

• If you send a package, try to remember that your family member may not have a lot of space. Send small, funny presents, like souvenirs or a favorite section of the Sunday paper, or personal items, such as soap or toothpaste. If you plan on sending food items, take care with packaging. Always check to make sure that any package you send fits with regulations.

• Be creative . Letters and e-mails are wonderful, but there are lots of ways you can make them even better. You can send a message in the form of a tape recording or a video. If you have children, send artwork, school papers, or even a photocopy of their hand prints. You can send clippings from the local paper or tape recordings of a family gathering, a child reading, singing, or playing music, or even just the sounds of your home. You may come up with your own ideas that have special meaning for your family member.

• Use the Internet for more than e-mail . If you can use the Internet to stay in touch, there are lots of things you can do beyond sending e-mail messages. You can set up a Web page with pictures and news -- or find a service that hosts Web pages -- or you can "talk" with your family member in chat rooms. You can also send digital pictures or use a scanner to send newspaper clippings, artwork, or a child's report card or school papers.

• Send photos. Pictures of loved ones can be very comforting when a family is separated. Just as you like to look at photos of your family member who has been deployed, he or she will enjoy seeing photos of people at home. You don't have to send professional pictures or photographs of special events. Send photos of your pets, your neighbors, your child's sporting event, a recital, or another occasion. You can also send photos of your home and other places that are special to you and your family member. Some families document a normal day in photos and send them as a kind of "picture story."

Tips for communicating with e-mail
E-mail is convenient, fast, and inexpensive, which makes it a great way to communicate during a deployment. But because e-mail is instantaneous, it's also possible to click the "send" button and send something you wish you could recall. If dashing off an e-mail makes you feel better when you're upset or mad, go ahead -- just wait before you send it. Come back a few hours later or the next day and review what you wrote to see if you still want to send it.

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Ways children can communicate with a deployed family member
It's important for children to feel like they are keeping in touch with a deployed parent or family member instead of hearing news or greetings secondhand. Encourage your child to send artwork or write letters, and make sure that the family member who has been deployed sends e-mail or letters addressed and mailed directly to the child. This may help a child understand that her family member is thinking about and missing her. Here are some other ways to help children keep a sense of connection with a deployed family member:

• Let children find a way to communicate that works for them . Some children may like to use a tape recorder to exchange spoken messages, while others may like to write letters or send e-mail. Others, especially younger children, like to communicate with pictures. Help your child explore all of the different ways she can communicate. Encourage the deployed family member to follow the child's cues -- by responding with a recorded message, for example, or by drawing a picture of where he sleeps or a typical meal.

• Give your child his own stack of pre-addressed and stamped envelopes and paper to make it easy to write on the spur of the moment.

• Help children think of things that their family member may like to know about. Sometimes children have trouble starting a letter or knowing what to say. Help children understand that their deployed family member is interested in anything that's going on in their life.

Family - Keep Kids Connected During Deployments - Military Spouse

http://www.milspouse.com/keeping-kids-connected.aspx

Keep Kids Connected During Deployments

Tips on how to stay connected 

by MSM

 

• Keep your child of any age in touch with other military children.
• For stability, stay in touch with some military friends, even when you move.
• Keep the lines of communication open with your deployed service member, if possible.
• Write letters and take photos.
• Make sure your child understands that just because a parent is deployed, that the parent is not out of their life.
• Keep the deployed parent a presence as much as possible.
• Be open and discuss your fears with your child, but reassure them that you are there for them.
• Keep the lines of communication open, so that your child talks to you, not strangers about his or her worries during deployment.
• Take advantage of every free service, camp, school, and program offered to military children.

 It may be easy to focus on your own challenges and grievances during combat deployments, but most important, do not leave your child behind.

How to Spot Scams Targeting Military Family Members | eHow.com

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Instructions

Difficulty: Moderately Easy

Step1

Beware of the Red Cross scam that specifically targets military family members. In this scenario, a con artist posing as a Red Cross representative calls a military family member and reports that a loved one serving on duty in Iraq was injured and sent to a hospital in Germany.

Step2

Expect the con artist to claim that your loved one is unable to receive treatment until the required paperwork is complete. The claim that you only need to provide your loved one's social security number and date of birth to finish the paperwork and get the treatment under way is false.

Step3

Pay careful attention to how the con artist asks for information. Your loved one's name is unidentified by the scammer and other significant details may be incorrect. Refrain from confirming your loved one's deployment.

Step4

Know military protocol. If your loved one deploys and suffers a serious injury, Red Cross representatives typically use the military chain of command instead of communicating with you directly.

Step5

Refuse to provide personal information over the telephone unless you know or you can verify the identity of the person. The scammer is trying to trick you into providing sensitive information that can make it possible for the individual to steal your loved one's identity.

Step6

Ask your loved one to place an "Active Duty Alert" on credit reports to guard against identity theft scams during a deployment.

How to Be a Military Girlfriend | eHow.com

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Instructions

Difficulty: Moderate

Step1

Decide if military life is for you. Before you run headlong into love, determine if you are up to the challenge. Being a military girlfriend means dealing with deployments, his buddies, military formalities, military acronyms and sometimes coming second to the military. If you are not ready for that and more, move on to another man.

Step2

Learn to be independent. Be aware that your boyfriend can be swept away by his service at any time. Although you can depend on him, you have to depend on yourself more. Learn to do things on your own. Be brave and try new things.

Step3

Build a trusting and communicative relationship. Talk with each other about everything. Be completely honest with one another. Be patient with your military boyfriend when he can't tell you something work related. Sometimes the secrecy is due to the nature of his job, other times he may not want to tell you because it is too disturbing. Trust his decision.

Step4

Join an online military girlfriend support group or forum. Many of the military wife forums also welcome girlfriends. Shop around before picking one that suits you. Each forum and group has its own personality. You want to meet people who match your needs. The women in the groups can answer your questions, lend a listening ear and understand your situation when no one else can.

Step5

Learn the basics of military acronyms. Every branch of the military has its own language and acronyms. When you hear your honey say "I have to take the APFT before my CO lets me change my MOS." Ask him to translate. By the way, in Army-ese, that means "I have to take the Army Physical Fitness Test before my commander officer lets me change my military occupational specialty."

Step6

Be patient when driving onto the base. Unless your military man is with you in the car, getting on base can be a real pain. You need your driver's license, car registration, proof of car insurance and they may have you call your boyfriend to prove you have reason to enter the base. You have to present your documentation to the gate guard where they may inspect your vehicle. They then give you a visitor's pass. There can be long lines to get a pass, so bring a book.

Step7

Meet other people in your military man's unit. Go with him to unit functions and meet the guys he works with as well as their wives and girlfriends. When you are a military girlfriend, you are often left out of the loop when it comes to the dissemination of unit information. The unit tells things to the wives, but not to the girlfriends. If you make friends with one of the wives, she can fill you in. This is especially helpful when your military man is deployed.

Step8

Get used to military time. It's not 6 p.m., it's 1800 hours. Also get used to arriving at functions at least 15 minutes early. Military men are punished when they are late, so being early becomes a habit that bleeds into their everyday life.

Step9

Prepare yourself for a deployment. Whether for a few months or a couple of years, deployments are a reality. They are rarely easy for you (or him), but you can get through them. Use your support groups, communicate with your military man as much as possible, take the time to achieve your own goals and limit the amount of news you watch (it makes it easier).

How to Get Power of Attorney for a Military Deployment | eHow.com

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Instructions

Difficulty: Moderately Easy

Things You'll Need:

• Military power of attorney

Step1

Designate a person, usually a spouse or a family member, who will take care of your financial and personal matters while you are deployed.

Step2

Determine the length of time a power of attorney will be necessary. Depending on the deployment schedule, this is usually 6 months to a year.

Step3

Locate a local U.S. Armed Forces Legal Assistance office. You are not required to pay and you can use their services if you are active duty, retired active duty or a dependant of either.

Step4

Consult with a legal assistance attorney to create a military power of attorney.

Step5

Specify the actions you want included in a special power of attorney. If you choose a general power of attorney, you will give total control of your finances and personal matters to the person you designate.

Step6

Sign the power of attorney before you deploy! Even the simplest of tasks, like shutting off utilities, will be impossible without that signed piece of paper.

How to deal with a significant other returning from a deployment | eHow.com

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Instructions

Difficulty: Challenging

Things You'll Need:

• Love
• Compassion
• A good pair of ears
• Patience

Step1

Remember that you can never relate to or understand what your loved on when through, unless you've been through it yourself. It's the old line about walking a mile in the other's shoes.

Don't pretend like you know what they are going through if you don't.

Don't patronize them.

Step2

Listen to them. They may want to tell you things that are disturbing to hear. But, look at it this way. Obviously they need to get some things off their chest and you are the person they trust enough to tell about it.

If things are too disturbing for you to hear, calmly and quietly tell them that. But, don't say "I don't want to hear it" and don't judge them for their actions.

What they did, they did to save their own lives and bring themselves home to you.

Step3

Let them know that you are there for them. When they first get home, things might be wonderful for the first few weeks or months. But that can change suddenly.

If your significant other appears to be dealing with everything very well, just let them know that you are there for them when/if they need to talk about things.

Step4

If you can't handle the things your significant other needs to tell you, find someone who can. This needs to be someone they trust and can talk to. Some one who won't judge them. It may be a family member or friend, clergy or a medical professional.

But, they need to talk about these things in order to cope and deal with it. It's important that someone listen.

Step5

Don't try to push them into something they are not ready for. Many people returning from deployment aren't ready to resume a sexual relationship. Be understanding and patient. It doesn't mean they don't want you any more. It means they have to readjust their thinking from being in a war zone to being home. It's a major adjustment.

They may not be good with crowds. Don't push them. If they don't want to go to Walmart, don't make them.

If they don't feel comfortable caring for the kids, because it has been so long, don't force them into it.

Returning from a deployment requires adjustments in every aspect of life. Be patient.

Step6

Some of the pep may be gone from their step. They may not laugh as much as before. That's okay. The person you knew has changed. But, you may not realize it, you have changed too. You became more independent while they were gone and that may also be hard for them to handle.

If this is the person you love and they love you (and lack of affection when returning from a deployment doesn't mean they don't still love you), everything will come in time.

Just because the person is different, doesn't mean you can't have a wonderful life together.

How to Raise Young Children During a Military Deployment | eHow.com

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Instructions

Difficulty: Challenging

Things You'll Need:

• Map
• Calendar
• Stickers
• Video recorder

Step1

Talk to your children before the deployment. Children need to hear honest explanations about where there parent will be, what they will be doing and when they are coming back.

Step2

Explain that deployment is part of a job. Children may internalize their feelings, and think that they are the reason their mother or father is gone. Even if they don't express this to you, make sure you let them know they didn't do anything to make their parent leave.

Step3

Stick to existing routines as much as possible, but create new routines that help your child communicate and deal with the temporary loss of their parent.

Step4

Post a map in their room. Mark where the deployed parent is and then where you are. Talk openly about the distance, but calm their fears by finding fun facts about where the deployed parent is. This may divert their attention from their fears, and give them something besides the distance to focus on.

Step5

Hang a calendar before the deployment and put a sticker on each day of the deployment. Give your child the sticker every morning and remind them that it is a daily gift from the deployed parent. They will wear it proudly.

Step6

Encourage your children to talk on the phone with their deployed parent and make pictures or write letters to send on a weekly basis. Make sure the deployed parent responds, either by letter or phone to each thing sent.

Step7

Make a recording of the deployed parent reading stories, and make this a bedtime routine. Hearing the sound of their mother or father's voice may calm them and make them feel like their parent is not so far away. It is also calming for the parent left to raise the children!

How to Get Through a Deployment | eHow.com

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Instructions

Difficulty: Challenging

Things You'll Need:

• Family
• Friends
• Computer or laptop
• Cell phone

Step1

Stay open to a change in plans.

There is a flurry of activity in the beginning. Sometimes leave dates get moved and all your plans go right down the drain. Try to go with the flow. It's just as stressful on your loved one as it is on you.

Step2

Purchase a cell phone.

There is nothing worse at this time than missing a phone call from your deployed loved one. Get a cell phone and keep it with you so you never miss a call.

Step3

Have access to the internet.

Depending on where your loved one is deployed, they may only have access to a computer and not a phone. If you do not have access at home and do not have a friend or family member with internet, check out your local library. Most libraries have internet access.

Step4

Be prepared for no contact.

The first few days for your loved one are usually spent traveling. They may not have a chance to e-mail or call. It may be a week or longer before you hear anything.

There are also times throughout the deployment when your loved one cannot access the internet or a phone and you may not have any contact for several days. This is typical and normal.

Step5

Stay positive.

When you do finally get that phone call or e-mail, do your best to stay positive for your loved one. Their job is much easier if they know you are okay. This does not mean you have to be positive throughout the deployment or that you cannot talk to your loved one about things you are struggling with. However, in the beginning, it's easier for them to settle in if they don't have additional worries.

Step6

Get busy.

Do whatever you can do to entertain yourself. Anything you can do to keep busy while empowering yourself is a great way to spend your time.

See "Tips"

Step7

Send packages.

Your loved one loves nothing better than packages from home. It's best to ask what they would like to have before you send anything. That way you can send things they are in need of along with the fun things you want to send.

Have your children help prepare packages. It makes them feel included and less helpless.

Step8

Realize that some days are just no good.

No matter how hard you try, no matter how positive your outlook, no matter how busy you are, some days are going to be overwhelming. Some days you will feel angry. Some you will feel sad. Some you will feel a mixture of both. On those days, just focus on getting through that day.

See "Warnings"

Step9

Be prepared for the homecoming.

Finally, the day you have waited for arrives and your loved one is coming home! As with the beginning of the deployment, be open to change. Flights change and get delayed. Dates can get moved around.

Most important, your loved one may not be up to the ideas you have planned. As hard as it is, try not to have expectations and remain open to what your loved one is comfortable with. The deployment is over but the adjusting is just beginning. Remember, there is nothing wrong with getting outside help if you need it. Sometimes coming home is harder than leaving.

Step10

Give yourself a pat on the back.

It takes a strong person to get through a loved one's deployment. We go though it so other families don't have to. We are a silent, but brave minority. Be proud. You are supporting your loved one and your country.

How to Readjust to Family Life after Deployment | eHow.com

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Instructions

Difficulty: Moderately Challenging

Things You'll Need:

• A no-holds-barred celebration
• An almost immediate family vacation away from home
• Your deployment workbook
• An approachable attitude that allows others into your private sphere
• An attitude of understanding and respect for the accomplishments of your family in your absence

Step1

Celebrate! You've been deployed a long time but were fortunate enough to return home. Thank your lucky stars and celebrate this momentous occasion. When your family meets you at the airport, on base or at the pier, expect tears to fall freely—theirs and yours. Don't be ashamed of showing that kind of emotion even if you've never been given to it before. Everyone changes during extended deployments and if you've seen service in a combat zone, your life-and-death experiences will have made you a different person. Despite these emerging realities, enjoy the reunion with your family.

Step2

Get out of Dodge. When you return from deployment, you're really coming home from a year's worth of work. As a result, you see home as a long sought after respite. On the other hand, your spouse sees the same house as a place of work, the family's central nervous system in which a year's worth of experiences—good, bad, enlightening, bewildering—have taken place since. To level the playing field for all involved, take advantage of one of the many vacation offers available to military families. A week or so away from home will allow you and your family to create new experiences together in a non-threatening environment, and it will enable you to ease back into your role as husband, wife, father or mother. The trip will also permit your family to adjust to you being among them again.

Step3

Break out the book. Back home after the vacation, spend an evening with your family talking about some of the things that have happened in your absence. Open your deployment workbook, grab the calendar you should have included and collectively review the weeks and months that have passed. Talk about some of your experiences, achievements, fears and disappointments while inviting your family members to do the same. It's critically important that you have a chance to discuss with them your combat patrols, resupply missions and Saturday night poker games. At the same time, it's vital to give your spouse and children the chance to tell about achievements at the office, fighting with lawnmowers that quit working, how second grade is so much more difficult than first and that the Christmas band concert at school was the best ever.

Step4

Recognize change. You've been gone quite a while and during that time you've grown personally and professionally. The same is true for your spouse. The moment you left home all those months ago, your spouse added your family and household duties to hers or his. Events such as praising or disciplining children, maintaining the yard, house and cars, walking the dog and even killing those really big, angry-looking spiders that occasionally skitter across the living room floor instantly disappeared from your responsibility list and materialized on your spouse's. In fact, he or she can probably tell you many things you didn't know about your own familial responsibilities. Listen closely to the experiences your spouse relates and accept that life went on in your household in spite of your absence.

Step5

Don't upset the apple cart. Your spouse has kept the family running smoothly while you've been gone but that didn't happen by itself. She or he has learned to keep tabs on his or her schedule and those of the children, and doing so successfully required strict scheduling. Moreover, your spouse has planned time so precisely as a defense against the emotional effects of your absence. Take a step back and watch your spouse in action. Learn what's changed and don't question her or his techniques until you understand the motivation behind them.

Step6

Separate but together. Essentially, you, your spouse and your kids have led separate lives during the course of your deployment. Because of that, each person needs a bit of time daily to be alone with individual thoughts. You were able to do that during your absence while you were eating at the mess hall, working out, cleaning your weapon or listening to music. Your spouse and family used similar methods to decompress. Talk about this openly with your spouse and family, and for the first several weeks after your return, be careful about inadvertently invading someone's private space.

How to Support a Spouse During Military Deployment | eHow.com

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Instructions

Difficulty: Moderately Easy

Step1

Keep in touch by email and phone if possible. If your spouse has access to his email and to a phone while he is on deployment, email him daily to keep his spirits up, and keep your cell phone with you at all times so that you can take his call no matter where you happen to be.

Step2

Send care packages regularly that are stocked with his favorite food, books, magazines, DVD's and anything else that you think will help him pass the time and forget for a moment that he is on deployment.

Step3

Write thoughtful, supportive letters. Your spouse needs a lot of encouragement to get through this time, and receiving actual letters in the mail that he can hold on to and read whenever he needs more encouragement will help him to get through it. Include recent photographs of you, your children and other members of the family in each letter.

Step4

Involve your children, family and friends by asking them to write emails and letters and to send packages and photos to your deployed spouse. Your spouse needs everyone's support through this time, not only yours.

Step5

Stay positive. Even though you will undoubtedly go through tough times while your spouse is on deployment, keep your words, emails and letters to him as positive and uplifting as possible.

Step6

Tell him you love him every chance you get. This is not the time for arguments. Let your spouse know that you are there for him and that you are in love with him. Stay close during this time period so that when he comes home, there was never any doubt in his mind who would be there waiting for him.

How to Prepare for an Army Deployment (For the spouse) | eHow.com

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Instructions

Difficulty: Moderately Challenging

Things You'll Need:

• Lockbox
• Journal
• Notebook
• Pen
• Time

Step1

TAKE TIME TO OVERCOME THE SHOCK As military spouses we all know and understand the mission of the Army and we have learned what role our spouses play in that mission. If you are a new military spouse and have no idea what I am talking about, feel free to leave me a message and I'll be happy to teach you that, as well. We know we have to be prepared at all times for anything yet when our spouse walks in on a normal day to inform us of stop loss, we start sweating and when he has orders to deploy, it is natural to go through a range of emotions from panic to anger to fear to frustration to well.. you may ride a rollercoaster of emotions you have never encounted but this is when you need to stop and breathe. Hug your spouse and let him/her know that soon you will have a lot to ask or say but for the time you think you should take time to let the news sink in. He/she will understand. Whatever it is that you do to relax, this is now the time to do it.

Step2

START A JOURNAL. Somewhere around the house most of us already have an unused journal. Dig deep in your white elephant closet, if you have such, and I bet you may have one there. If not, maybe go to the store or a craft store and purchase a new one with a style on the cover that best represents you. This will be your deployment journal and starting from the time you buy it, start journaling any thoughts, fears, joys, etc. regarding the deployment. I found trying to journal daily was my preference but for some, depending on jobs, and general business of life, once a week may be all you can do and that is fine but be sure to keep one. Get creative with your journal. You don't always have to write in a journal. Perhaps it's Halloween and you think about Halloween with your spouse, you may put a photo from last Halloween on that day's page. You may decide to draw one day or paint. Hey, it's your journal...make it yours! You'll start it now but it will be like a good friend to talk to for the next 12-15 months.

Step3

ATTEND DEPLOYMENT BRIEFINGS WITH YOUR SPOUSE THAT ARE OPEN TO FAMILY MEMBERS. This is perhaps one step a lot of spouses miss. For whatever reason they don't attend with their servicemember. At a deployment briefing so much helpful information is put out for families. You'll hear what services/organizations/etc. your spouse needs to ensure he/she has visited to have forms completed and etc. You really should be a part of this. If you work, ask to take off for this and if you have children, see about a babysitter for the day. People realize the nature of the deployment briefings and will try to accomodate you. A lesson well learned is not to depend on your spouse to bring the info. to you. Can you imagine how much is on their mind at the time and how easy it is for them to accidentally forget other things you need to know? Take a notebook with you. If you are a slow note taker,heck take a cassette recorder. This is 2008 so get s small one, don't just bust in there with w big jambox. (just a lil light humor) If services are there and set up, take time after the briefing to walk around and pick up information from each one. You never know which ones you could have already benefitted from and which ones you'll soon need. This way you are making yourself a self-reliant spouse having info. you may need. After you return home, ask your spouse any questions you may have about anything you heard at the briefing. He/she will explain it to you to where you can understand.

Step4

HAVE THE TALK EVERYONE WISHES TO AVOID. This is perhaps the talk most spouses wish to avoid but please realize it needs to take place. I can't express this enough. Let your spouse know you realize such a talk needs to occur and let them tell you when is a good time for them. This is when you discuss your spouse's plans for his/her death. To make it easier, do as I did and make it a two sided conversation discussing your wishes for your death as well. (also another article) At this time look together over his will and find out the specifics such as location of burial, whether he/she desires full military honors, other special requests, etc. Write this information down in a notebook and save it. I recommend having your spouse sign and date the end of whatever you write just in case a family dispute arises later. I am not a lawyer so I am not sure it will hold up in court but always be safe. This will be a solemn conversation but just know he/she will appreciate you making that step. Be cautioned that if this becomes a humorous thing for your spouse, don't ridicule them, as long as you're getting facts, just take any crazy extra fill in info. and toss it aside. Some soldiers have a strange way of approaching things...like my husband for example. But as long as you get his true desires, you have done well.

Step5

GET YOU A CHECKLIST & COMPLETE IT. If you have not already done so, make a deployment checklist. I will a deployment checklist article here soon, so check it, see if there are others already here on eHow or google one. Included on this list will be your spouse's will, insurance papers, power of attorney, etc. Store these documents in your lockbox with any other valuables. You should already have a lockbox in your home, if not, you do now. Keep all other emergency info. here such as passports, copies of ID cards, SS cards, marriage certificate, birth certificates, etc. Go through your checklist and complete the entire list.

Step6

UTILIZE YOUR COMMUNITY SERVICES. Although you will be busy, go through the brochures, flyers, etc. you received at the deployment briefing. If you didn't obtain anything, start with Red Cross. From there they can direct you to other sources. Educate yourself on how to send a Red Cross message, how to read a LES, etc. If you are an Army spouse as I am, be sure you attend your FRG meetings.

Step7

me and hubby before deployment spending time in Bad Kissingen, Germany DEVOTE TIME TO YOUR SPOUSE. Throughout all these steps, this is something you have been doing. You almost end up playing this by watching your spouse. Let me explain, sometimes you and your spouse will smother each other because he/she is wanting more of you but on the other hand you may see times where he/she is not so close. This is normal and as time goes by you'll understand how for some strange reason spouses seem to start to draw themselves apart before a long separation. I believe the reasoning to be because it will be easier to say goodbye but don't think you'll be missed any less. This is just a servicemembers way of dealing with the hurt of an upcoming separation before it takes place. No harm intended and not to be expected by all soldiers. Whatever time you do get together, talk. Talk about everything, the good, the bad and the ugly. Each couple knows what makes them tick so this step is all on you to personalize but PAMPER your spouse in all ways. If it kills you (and it won't) let your husband get away with murder...let him get away with teasting you or walking around singing in the voice that just makes you want to puke...just share laughter at all times you can!

Step8

MAKE A HAPPY BOX. The days leading up to your spouse's deployment, create what I call a happy box. Take a box like a large old cigar box and tell your spouse it's his/her job to decorate it and fill it with momentos, notes, that will make you smile or make you happy. Now don't be suprised if it is decorated crazy...we all aren't Martha Stewart. This box is not to be opened by you until after he/she deploys but make sure you have been told where to find it. When you get sad, just go dog through it.

Step9

BECOME A DEPLOYMENT INVESTIGATOR. I realize this step is out of order but about a month away from deployment, make the library and the internet your friend. Research stories about deployment, military resources, etc. Chances are there is a lot you need to learn. If your spouse is still there when your learning begins, he/she can help you understand what you are learning more. Bookmark the websites and forums for military spouses, you will find them helpful.

Step10

GET YOUR SUPPORT SYSTEM ESTABLISHED. Well I have this saying that if someonw is not going to encourage me, be there for me at all times, be a positive role model for me, etc. they are toxic and they are not in my support group. The people in this group will be those people who are resourceful, maybe spouses who are what I call military immune (been military spouses awhile), your FRG, spouses club members, etc. You will know who is a good fit for you but be sure you have a support system. Some people think they have to have a lot of friends but always know a few true friends last a lifetime and are enough.

Step11

HELP YOUR SPOUSE PREPARE Of course you have been helping your spouse mentally but when it comes time to pack up, take part. I always feel more useful even if all I am doing is calling out and checking off the list. I am stingy with my husband's time anytime he leaves so I don't even let the hour or so for packing get wasted...I am there and he enjoys my company. Sometimes you may want to get sneaky, add some cards you've already prepared for him in his bags after he has packed them. I usually send about a 3 week supply of cards scattered in his stuff and marked on the outside what date he is to open which. It comes as a pleasant surprise especially since it will be awhile before he has an address to write him at. Just a suggestion. If there are things still needed, try to go shopping for them for your spouse.

Step12

DEPLOYMENT DAY & DEPLOYMENT PLAN. While no one can really say how they will handle a deployment, it is good to have a deployment notebook to jot down ideas of things you can do during the deployment. Maybe losing or gaining weight, traveling, going to school, learning a new skill, whatever you can think of...write it down as a plan. If you are pretty organized give yourself some goals for doing those things. Also have a deployment day plan in place. Do you want to be alone or among others? Keep in mind other spouses are having the same day you will be so maybe if you know someone, get together right afterwards for support. Call a family member or journal.

Step13

IF POSSIBLE SPEND THE LAST MOMENTS TOGETHER. The opportunity is not always there but if your spouse has to check in at a certain time the night before deployment and you can be there, be there. In our case everyone checked in and then remained outside until morning came. Boy are soldiers creative. They can make a bed of anything...smile. I slept outside cuddled with my husband while it drizzled. Next morning headed for the gym where they would deploy from. Time is precious to take advantage of it.

Step14

PUT YOUR DEPLOYMENT DAY PLAN & DEPLOYMENT PLAN IN PLACE. This is day one. Pull out your deployment plan notebook and when you are ready, get started. Don't let too much time pass because you may fall into an ugly pit of depression. Don't expect to hear from your spouse immediately and know that as soon as he/she can, you will get a call or a letter. The next 12-15 months will be tough but hopefully these steps will get you on a good start.

How to Prepare Children for a Parent's Deployment | eHow.com

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Instructions

Difficulty: Moderately Easy

Step1

Be honest and upfront with children about an upcoming deployment. Do not wait till the last minute to inform a child that you will be going away for a prolonged period of time. It is important to give the children enough time to digest the situation, ask questions and receive answers. Sometimes, the deployment is sudden, but the parent still must set aside time to communicate and reassure the child.

Step2

Make sure the parent that is left to care for the child during deployment knows all about base-wide services that are available to the spouse and the children of deployed soldiers. Many base installations have clubs and groups that are specifically geared to children of deployed soldiers. It is a wonderful way to help children connect with other children that are experiencing what they are, and it gives them access to counseling support that can be instrumental in helping the children with stress that builds when a parent deploys.

Step3

Ask the child to help pack. This can help the child feel involved in the deployment process and give them time to communicate and ask those hard questions that may be weighing on their mind.

Step4

Take the opportunity to teach the child about the rules of OPSEC. This will also help the child to feel like they are carrying out a responsible and important task while the parent is deployed.

Step5

Limit the amount of news the child will have access to viewing. Keeping up with current events is important to everyone, including children. However, the news can depict the dangers and negative aspects that are involved in many of the locations their parents may be deployed to. Having this constant reminder of the dangers and negativities associated with deployments may cause more stress to the child.

Step6

Exchange special keepsakes with the child. The parent can give the child an item like a hat they wear for work or an extra set of "dog tags." The child can give the parent something they hold dear. This will give each something special to stay connected to. Having a special keepsake helps people stay close even when there is distance keeping them apart.

Step7

Give the child a framed photograph of the parent that is deploying. The child can keep this next to their bed and use it to reflect and communicate with their loved one. Also, give the deploying parent a framed picture of the child. This will help the child feel like they are with the parent during the separation period.

Step8

Assign a specific chore for the child to carry out. This will make the child feel like they have an important role in the family while their parent is deployed.

Step9

Invest in a flat daddy or flat mommy. These are photo posters of the deployed parent that can be rolled up and toted all over the place with the child. The child can also make their own daddy or mommy poster buy drawing a picture of the parent that will be deploying on paper and decorating it.

Step10

Make tape recordings or video tapes reading the child's favorite stories to them. This will allow the deployed parent to interact with the child even while they are deployed. The tapes or videos can be played each night at bedtime, which will give the child a daily dose of the parent they are missing.

Step11

Establish a meaningful phrase that can be a special phrase the deployed parent and child say daily. It could as simple as "I love you, I miss you" or "I love you, sleep tight, goodnight."

Step12

Spend a few weeks prior to deployment hiding small gifts and special notes around the home. Make up maps and clues that can be given to the child every few weeks to help them search for what has been hidden.

Step13

Help the child plan out and schedule fun activities to take part in while the parent is deployed. Mark down on the calendar the chosen activities that were decided. This will give the child something to look forward to and give them something to write or talk about with the parent that is deployed. It will also prevent the child from moping around the house waiting and constantly thinking about not having that parent there. It is a good habit to keep children of deployed military members busy.

Step14

Give the child and family a special keepsake box where they can collect the letters and souvenirs the deployed parent sends home. Also, the deployed parent should make sure and send letters addressed directly to the child. This will make the child feel important and reassure them that they are in the parent's thoughts.

Step15

Try to schedule phone calls home during times the child will be available. This can often be difficult because of the time differences that may present a true obstacle. However, it is important to try and keep the lines of communications open with the child and being able to talk and hear the voice of their deployed parent can go a long way to lessening stress.

How to Prepare for an Extended Deployment | eHow.com

link

Instructions

Difficulty: Challenging

Things You'll Need:

• A deployment workbook
• A will
• A living will
• Special or general powers of attorney for your spouse or next of kin
• A list of important points of contact

Step1

Know your responsibilities. Deployments are almost always planned well in advance giving those affected sufficient time to put their personal affairs in order prior to leaving home. The military or your organization will provide you with all the inoculations, uniforms and equipment necessary for you to deal with your ordeal, but as a spouse, parent or dependent, the onus is on you to prepare your family for your protracted absence. Recognize this responsibility and take advantage of all the opportunities given to you by the military and its expansive support network.

Step2

Your deployment workbook. All military organizations will conduct pre-deployment seminars and you shouldn't sleep through any of them. There, you'll receive a number of handouts valuable to you and your family. Bring each of these home and create your personal deployment workbook to which your spouse, child or parents can easily refer when they need assistance. Create a table of contents that identifies the location of each important piece of information and complete a list of frequently called telephone numbers and websites to simplify the process of receiving answers to important and sometimes time-sensitive questions.

Step3

Taking care of legal business. Make appointments with the judge advocate general's office at the nearest military installation in order to complete your last will and testament. The legal office will also help you execute powers of attorney that will allow your next of kin to accomplish tasks such as filing your income tax or depositing the refund check, renewing your vehicle registration or ensuring your driver's license doesn't expire during your absence. Also, either that office or the nearest military hospital will assist you in preparing a living will should you desire to do so.

Step4

Do the paperwork. Ensure that all of your important documents are properly sorted, identified and stored. Examples of such documents include vehicle titles, home mortgage information, passports, birth certificates, social security cards, diplomas and degrees, and other financial information relating to insurance, investments or credit. Consider keeping these valuable documents in a lockable file cabinet or fireproof home safe, and make certain your family has access to the key, combination or entry code.

Step5

Hold the classifieds. Include some copies of recent base newspapers in your deployment workbook. These publications often list "military friendly" businesses that offer services such as free oil changes, tire rotations, reduced-cost meals, entertainment specials and travel assistance. Additionally, these periodicals frequently print lists of important phone numbers that will make it simpler and faster for your family to identify and contact critical organizations such as medical facilities, exchanges, car service centers, legal services, child development centers and unit representatives.

Step6

You and your surrogate. Your deployment workbook will serve as your representative in your absence. Aside from the important references you include, be sure to stock it with pictures of yourself alone and with members of your family. Their ability to look at and reminisce about the pictures and events that surrounded them will further ease the burden of your absence.

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Tips & Warnings

• Pay close attention to the information you gain during your pre-deployment briefings, especially the portions that relate to legal matters.
• In addition to your important documents, your safe or filing cabinet should also contain a list of login and password information for critical websites such as schools, fraternal organizations or critical, work related portals.
• Include a calendar in your deployment workbook that spans the anticipated length of your deployment. Your family members can jot down interesting things that happened in your absence and relive them with you upon your return.
• Powers of attorney are delicate guarantors of legal authority and they should only be given when absolutely needed and to people you trust implicitly.

Resources

• Army Emergency Relief
• Navy-Marine Corps Relief Society
• Air Force Aid Society
• USAA Deployment Guide

How to get through a military deployment | eHow.com

link

Instructions

Difficulty: Challenging

Things You'll Need:

• Dedication
• Patience
• Love
• Understanding

Step1

When your spouse gets ready to leave, have a special note for them to read on the trip. It's something they can carry with them whenever and where ever they like.

Step2

Make sure there is nothing unfinished between the two of you. Being apart in a stressful situation is not a time to fight or argue. As sad as it is, you don't know if it's going to be the last time you talk to your loved one and you don't want to leave things on a sour note.

Step3

Listen to them when they call. They love you and are concerned about your day and your life away from them. But, at the same time, they are putting their lives on the line every day. Listen to them, even if it is them complaining or even crying.

Listening lets them know that you are there for them emotionally, if not physically.

Step4

Tell them how much you love them. They already know this (or they should) but hearing it and seeing it in letters never hurts either. The higher their moral, the more alert and aware they will be.

Step5

Write to them as often as possible. Send cards, letters and packages. Even if they don't have the time to write back, write to them. You can use it as a way to relieve stress and they can always have something tangible to hold that is a piece of home.

Step6

Be patient and let things roll off your back. Yes, it's easier said then done but the time will pass and hopefully your loved on will come back to you unharmed. Until then, nothing you do will bring them home sooner. Just love them and support them.

Step7

Try not to bother them with problems from home. I know things happen in every day life that can be a small tragedy, but your spouse can't fix things from thousands of miles away. So, if the garbage man accidentally tossed your trash all over the street and you had to clean it up, try not to share it. You don't want to stress your loved one out because telling them these kinds of things will only make them wish they were home so they could take care of it.

Step8

Tell them you are proud of them. You may not agree with the war and you may have your own beliefs, but what they are doing is something strong, noble and challenging. They need to know that you are behind them 100 percent and that you will always be there for them.

How to Deal With Your Husband's Deployment | eHow.com

link

Instructions

Difficulty: Moderately Challenging

Step1

Make sure all lose ends are tied up before your partner's deployment. Have phone numbers readily available that you can reach his work at, or the repairman, or one of his friend's who promised to fix the car if anything went wrong. Any numbers that your partner might normally know should be out for you to get a hold of in a hurry.

Step2

Join an online support group for military family members where you can share grievances.

Step3

Make friends with the other spouses of deployed people. This is very important because you will need to lean on someone who understands and knows what you are going through during these hard times. Spend as much time with them as possible, possibly sharing dinner nights at each others houses so your homes don't feel so lonely.

Step4

If you have kids, get to know the parents of your children's friends so that you can share play dates. It can be very hard being a single parent when a spouse is deployed, so sharing responsibilities between friends can be a life-saver.

How to Deal With the First Deployment of Your Husband | eHow.com

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Instructions

Difficulty: Moderate

Step1

Normally before a deployment there is what's called a Deployment Fair. It's very important to attend this event because you find out an enormous amount of information. One very critical thing you will find out at this event is how to get Power of Attorney, which is something you will definitely need. You also can get contact for your Family Readiness Group(FRG). This official command-sponsered organization consists of family members, volunteers, and soldiers of a unit who provide support and assistance to the families of deployed soldiers.

Step2

Try not to look at the big picture. Break down the deployment time by concentrating on other smaller time periods. One fun thing to do is to count toothbrushes. Since you are supposed to change toothbrushes every three months, look at a 12 month deployment as just four toothbrush changes. This is something that you and the children can do at home and your husband can do as well.

Step3

Make a list of about 25 fun things that you and the kids can do. For example research fun museums or other interesting places in other cities not too far from your home. Twice a month make the drive to one of the places. Visit shops in the area, have lunch, make a whole day out of it.

Step4

Start something you may have always been interested in. Learn to play an instrument, take a drama, art or photography class or maybe even go back to school. Look into all your resources because you may qualify for scholarships and grants. Also this would be a perfect time to get the children involved in some activity. If you live on base, your children can get a certain amount of lessons and play sports for free. Also you should qualify for a certain amount of free child care hours a month. Check all your resources!

Step5

Set a goal to accomplish by the time he gets home. It could be losing weight, toning up, quitting smoking, or some other bad habit. Make this the time to do it.

Step6

Plan something fun to do when your hubby comes home. Pick out a family vacation destination and start saving for it now. Be sure to check into the Savings Deposit Program because this is a great opportunity to get 10% interest on your savings.

Step7

Stay connected! If your husband is in a place where he can get internet access, make sure you have a webcam. This will be really fun for the children and once the children are in bed, mommy and daddy can have fun as well! It's important to talk as much as possible, to pray with each other, and to respect the trust you have both given to each other. Try not to argue over anything. Instead find a way to make every moment you share fun and loving.