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NMFA Children and Deployment Article Series
http://www.nmfa.org/site/PageServer?pagename=article_series
Children and Deployment
What Does My Daddy Do? Military Parents in the Work Place
By Holly Selders for LIFELines
From a kid's point of view, the job of a parent in the military may be a little fuzzy. Explaining to your children what you do, especially during deployments or underway periods, helps their understanding and shortens the distance between you.
Parents with potentially dangerous occupations have the burden of easing fears when describing to their kids what they do for a living. Despite the fact that the majority of the military is not imminently in harm's way, added sensitivity is the plan of the day. Varying age groups and individual circumstances dictate a variety of responses. The National Association of School Psychologists gives this advice to parents: Filter known facts one by one and do NOT prepare children (especially military children) for the worst. Basic information about your job or rate should be sufficient. Reading a bedtime story from your rate training manual takes it a little overboard.
According to Kids & Careers, children believe that mermaids are as real as car crashes and that dangers can be common. It is not until approximately age 10 or 11 that children begin to understand which events are real. Fear for their parents being in danger can be managed by explaining that Daddy or Mommy is highly trained and practices routinely for the emergency situations children might be seeing on television.
According to Liz Hengerer from the Norfolk Fleet and Family Support Center, children also hear from their friends what supposedly goes on during deployments and at work, and they can often be a source of misinformation. If your child comes home reporting, "The other kids say Dad's gonna get 13 tattoos, fall overboard, and get eaten by a shark," parents must correct the information. Explain that other kids don't know what is going to happen and Dad is not going to get eaten by a shark.
Keeping Babies In the Loop
Infants and toddlers have an undeveloped sense of time and limited visual memory. Showing pictures of Daddy, in uniform and in civvies, keeps Daddy's image at hand and refreshes young memories. Bring Daddy into conversations by saying, "Let's sing The Barney song. It's Daddy favorite!" or "Let's mail Daddy's care package." If, for example, Daddy's a pilot, say, "Look, a plane like Daddy flies." If Daddy's on a ship, show pictures or submerge toy submarines to imitate Daddy. One enterprising wife of a West Coast Sailor created a photo album organized by what her husband would be doing each hour of the day. For example, 11:00 showed Daddy eating lunch, 15:00 (that's 3 p.m. for civilians) showed Daddy sitting at his desk, etc.
Explaining Your Job to Young Children
If possible, bring school age children into the workspace. If you can't get permission, show your kids a similar place or a picture of yourself at work. Tell children simple stories about what happened at work or explain what you did that day, just like you expect them to tell you about their day. Long distance dads can send frequent e-mails, ask specific questions when calling by phone, or mail surprises via snail mail.
Talking With Teenagers
Honest, clear, and specific information works best with pre-adolescents and teenagers. This age group knows everything anyway and is highly capable of filtering information. They still need reassurance, a sense of safety, and a parent who's there when they're ready to talk. Frequent e-mails, video conferencing, and instant messaging can be your best connection, away or at home.
For more suggestions, try Fathering Teenagers which includes tips such as "Open Your Belly." (You'll have to read that one for yourself.) Teens will let you know how much they want to experience. Don't be surprised or offended to find a conscientious objector to your occupation in the household. That's part of what all teens go through in discovering their own identities.
Go Where Your Kids Are, Take Them Where You Are
Children of all ages can track a working military parents progress on globes or with pictures or calendars. Participate in Bring Your Parent to School Day, no matter how embarrassing your child claims this is. Participate in the widely popular Bring Your Daughter to Work Day. First-hand experience is a valuable tool for understanding a military parent's role in the everyday work place.
Maintaining personal contact during deployment
http://www.ptsdsupport.net/contact_during_deploymnet.html Overview Staying in Touch When a Family Member Has Been Deployed
Content Provided by Military OneSource Bookmark This Page! OneSourse provides a great deal of information needed for family and spouses during deployment
Ideas and advice for staying in touch with a family member who has been deployed.
When a family member has been deployed, communication can become difficult. But the military has worked hard to set up communication channels such as e-mail and mail systems to make sure that service members and their families can stay in touch. The efforts you make to communicate with each other during a deployment can help both of you cope with the separation.
Communicating through the mail and the Internet
If you'll be communicating with your family member through the mail, be sure you have the correct address so that letters and packages will get there quickly. Learn about any guidelines for military mail, such as how and where to pick up mail, what you can and cannot send, and how long it may take for a letter or package to reach your family member. The same advice holds for e-mail, too: Be sure you have the exact address, and find out about any rules for sending messages or attachments.
Try to write to your family member as often as you can, but don't be disappointed or worried if you don't always get quick responses. There may be times when your family member is in places where mail cannot go or he or she may be too busy to respond right away.
Here are some things you should think about when you're writing to a family member:
Tips for communicating with e-mail
E-mail is convenient, fast, and inexpensive, which makes it a great way to communicate during a deployment. But because e-mail is instantaneous, it's also possible to click the "send" button and send something you wish you could recall. If dashing off an e-mail makes you feel better when you're upset or mad, go ahead -- just wait before you send it. Come back a few hours later or the next day and review what you wrote to see if you still want to send it.
Ways children can communicate with a deployed family member
It's important for children to feel like they are keeping in touch with a deployed parent or family member instead of hearing news or greetings secondhand. Encourage your child to send artwork or write letters, and make sure that the family member who has been deployed sends e-mail or letters addressed and mailed directly to the child. This may help a child understand that her family member is thinking about and missing her. Here are some other ways to help children keep a sense of connection with a deployed family member:
Family - Keep Kids Connected During Deployments - Military Spouse
http://www.milspouse.com/keeping-kids-connected.aspx
Keep Kids Connected During Deployments
Tips on how to stay connected
by MSM
- Keep your child of any age in touch with other military children.
- For stability, stay in touch with some military friends, even when you move.
- Keep the lines of communication open with your deployed service member, if possible.
- Write letters and take photos.
- Make sure your child understands that just because a parent is deployed, that the parent is not out of their life.
- Keep the deployed parent a presence as much as possible.
- Be open and discuss your fears with your child, but reassure them that you are there for them.
- Keep the lines of communication open, so that your child talks to you, not strangers about his or her worries during deployment.
- Take advantage of every free service, camp, school, and program offered to military children.
It may be easy to focus on your own challenges and grievances during combat deployments, but most important, do not leave your child behind.
How to Spot Scams Targeting Military Family Members | eHow.com
Instructions
How to Be a Military Girlfriend | eHow.com
link
Instructions
How to Get Power of Attorney for a Military Deployment | eHow.com
Instructions
Things You'll Need:
- Military power of attorney
How to deal with a significant other returning from a deployment | eHow.com
Instructions
Things You'll Need:
- Love
- Compassion
- A good pair of ears
- Patience
Don't pretend like you know what they are going through if you don't.
Don't patronize them.
If things are too disturbing for you to hear, calmly and quietly tell them that. But, don't say "I don't want to hear it" and don't judge them for their actions.
What they did, they did to save their own lives and bring themselves home to you.
If your significant other appears to be dealing with everything very well, just let them know that you are there for them when/if they need to talk about things.
But, they need to talk about these things in order to cope and deal with it. It's important that someone listen.
They may not be good with crowds. Don't push them. If they don't want to go to Walmart, don't make them.
If they don't feel comfortable caring for the kids, because it has been so long, don't force them into it.
Returning from a deployment requires adjustments in every aspect of life. Be patient.
If this is the person you love and they love you (and lack of affection when returning from a deployment doesn't mean they don't still love you), everything will come in time.
Just because the person is different, doesn't mean you can't have a wonderful life together.
How to Raise Young Children During a Military Deployment | eHow.com
Instructions
Things You'll Need:
- Map
- Calendar
- Stickers
- Video recorder
How to Get Through a Deployment | eHow.com
Instructions
Things You'll Need:
- Family
- Friends
- Computer or laptop
- Cell phone
There is a flurry of activity in the beginning. Sometimes leave dates get moved and all your plans go right down the drain. Try to go with the flow. It's just as stressful on your loved one as it is on you.
There is nothing worse at this time than missing a phone call from your deployed loved one. Get a cell phone and keep it with you so you never miss a call.
Depending on where your loved one is deployed, they may only have access to a computer and not a phone. If you do not have access at home and do not have a friend or family member with internet, check out your local library. Most libraries have internet access.
The first few days for your loved one are usually spent traveling. They may not have a chance to e-mail or call. It may be a week or longer before you hear anything.
There are also times throughout the deployment when your loved one cannot access the internet or a phone and you may not have any contact for several days. This is typical and normal.
When you do finally get that phone call or e-mail, do your best to stay positive for your loved one. Their job is much easier if they know you are okay. This does not mean you have to be positive throughout the deployment or that you cannot talk to your loved one about things you are struggling with. However, in the beginning, it's easier for them to settle in if they don't have additional worries.
Do whatever you can do to entertain yourself. Anything you can do to keep busy while empowering yourself is a great way to spend your time.
See "Tips"
Your loved one loves nothing better than packages from home. It's best to ask what they would like to have before you send anything. That way you can send things they are in need of along with the fun things you want to send.
Have your children help prepare packages. It makes them feel included and less helpless.
No matter how hard you try, no matter how positive your outlook, no matter how busy you are, some days are going to be overwhelming. Some days you will feel angry. Some you will feel sad. Some you will feel a mixture of both. On those days, just focus on getting through that day.
See "Warnings"
Finally, the day you have waited for arrives and your loved one is coming home! As with the beginning of the deployment, be open to change. Flights change and get delayed. Dates can get moved around.
Most important, your loved one may not be up to the ideas you have planned. As hard as it is, try not to have expectations and remain open to what your loved one is comfortable with. The deployment is over but the adjusting is just beginning. Remember, there is nothing wrong with getting outside help if you need it. Sometimes coming home is harder than leaving.
It takes a strong person to get through a loved one's deployment. We go though it so other families don't have to. We are a silent, but brave minority. Be proud. You are supporting your loved one and your country.
How to Readjust to Family Life after Deployment | eHow.com
Instructions
Things You'll Need:
- A no-holds-barred celebration
- An almost immediate family vacation away from home
- Your deployment workbook
- An approachable attitude that allows others into your private sphere
- An attitude of understanding and respect for the accomplishments of your family in your absence
How to Support a Spouse During Military Deployment | eHow.com
Instructions
How to Prepare for an Army Deployment (For the spouse) | eHow.com
Instructions
Things You'll Need:
- Lockbox
- Journal
- Notebook
- Pen
- Time
How to Prepare Children for a Parent's Deployment | eHow.com
Instructions
How to Prepare for an Extended Deployment | eHow.com
Instructions
Things You'll Need:
- A deployment workbook
- A will
- A living will
- Special or general powers of attorney for your spouse or next of kin
- A list of important points of contact
Tips & Warnings
- Pay close attention to the information you gain during your pre-deployment briefings, especially the portions that relate to legal matters.
- In addition to your important documents, your safe or filing cabinet should also contain a list of login and password information for critical websites such as schools, fraternal organizations or critical, work related portals.
- Include a calendar in your deployment workbook that spans the anticipated length of your deployment. Your family members can jot down interesting things that happened in your absence and relive them with you upon your return.
- Powers of attorney are delicate guarantors of legal authority and they should only be given when absolutely needed and to people you trust implicitly.
Resources
How to get through a military deployment | eHow.com
Instructions
Things You'll Need:
- Dedication
- Patience
- Love
- Understanding
Listening lets them know that you are there for them emotionally, if not physically.